My Firstborn

I read the prompt. It’s the word ‘story’ and wonder what needs to be written. What story can I write. And then it comes to me. Their story has never been told. So, I think it’s time to write out Jedidiah’s  and Joselyn’s story.

My hands flutter to my abdomen for the hundredth time, fingers splayed trying to imagine the feeling of the little life in me moving. The pregnancy test was read just a few weeks ago and with excitement I told my husband and sent pictures of the test to family. My first appointment with the midwife was scheduled for 14 weeks to ensure a good heartbeat.

All the usual pregnancy stuff was happening – the fatigue, the nausea, the umpteen trips to the bathroom. And then the day of my appointment came and with it waves of excitement because today was the day  I was going to hear my baby’s heartbeat!

The appointment came and went ending with apprehension. The midwife wasn’t able to find a heartbeat. She assured me though that there was nothing to be too concerned about and rescheduled me for a week later at 15 weeks. Surely we’d hear something then. But no, there was still just the deafening sound of my own heartbeat – no matching beat that kept time with my own.

She sent us to the hospital the next day and we had our first and last ultrasound. I could see the screen and it showed twins!  I had always wanted twins and was excited for a moment until I realized the truth. The heartbeat couldn’t be heard because they weren’t there. My little ones had stopped growing at approximately 12 weeks.

We left stunned. Life had changed when I saw the two pink lines on the stick and now life was changing again. We wandered, seemingly lost,  the rest of the day finally returning home that evening.

For the next six weeks, I waited for my body to give up the twins. I wanted it to happen naturally without medication or a procedure, but that wasn’t to be. My body wouldn’t give them up.

I vacillated between hope that God would quicken them and despair that they were gone and I was a walking tomb. My body had betrayed me and I hated it.

That was the darkest time of my life. I could see myself sitting on the ground with miniature stained glass windows swirling about my head. And then one by one, they started to shatter and fall, turning to ash at my feet. My stained glass dreams.

There were so many times that, as I drove the thought crossed my mind that if I just turned the steering wheel a little to right, the tree or barricade would take care of everything.

Finally we decided to take meds to speed up the process and in the late afternoon, 8 years ago, on January 26th, my babies were born.

They fit in the palms of my hands. Two little miracles that God had gifted to me for a time.

The two made me a Mother.

Though that time was extremely difficult, God comforted me with these thoughts. First, my babies would never feel pain. They would never have to deal with sin! They would never have to experience violence or hear horrible things. And the most wonderful thought I could think of, was that the first person they saw would be their Creator.

My babies would be 8 years old this month. I miss them and what might have been terribly. But I know that without their passing, I wouldn’t be enjoying the 6 year old playing out in the back yard. I can’t reconcile these two – the loss and the joy. But it is what it is, and it is with hope that I share with you the story of my Firstborn.

james117

 

Last Modified on February 18, 2014
This entry was posted in Random Musings
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9 thoughts on “My Firstborn

  1. Thank you for sharing, Danielle. Our stories are so similar. I remember seeing the ultrasound with our first one as well, willing movement into the tiny form, “Beat. Come on, beat!” But instead, we went home with a black-and-white picture, brimming eyes, and empty arms. The Lord was gracious, and allowed me to “picture” my baby skipping rocks across the river of God, giving me the hope of heaven. And He’s given four more babies to hold here. He truly is good.

    • Danielle

      I agree – though hard it seems sometimes, God is truly good. And, I know that we’ll see our little ones one day. Thanks for sharing your story, Belinda.

  2. Thank you for sharing this story with us. I have a similar one as well. We may never fully understand that why’s and I think that’s ok as long as we know the who. God holds us through the hardest of times and yes, loss and joy can go together in the sweetest way. Thank you for linking up with us for this exercise!

  3. I liked your writing piece. You explained your emotions through the rollercoaster you must have experienced. Such a sad story. Thankfully God gave you the strength to get through it. I picture you smiling one day as you meet them again. Life goes on, both here and in heaven, just differently. God bless you and the little ones you cherish.

    • Danielle

      Thank you, Janet!

  4. Hannah

    I wasn’t expecting it, but this did bring a tear to my eyes. Just thinking about the good that is able to come out of pain and the comfort found in our Heavenly Father. Thank you for sharing this; it certainly gave me a boosted perspective.

    • Danielle

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing in the story.

  5. Thank you for sharing such a difficult journey. You wrote a lovingly beautiful post.

  6. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. It touched my heart deeply, bringing tears to my eyes as I ached for you and the pain you’ve experienced in losing your precious babies. Thank you again for giving such a personal glimpse into the pages of your story.

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