This afternoon my son asked me to look up some pictures of something he’d learned about in history. So, off to the computer I went. I sent him and  his sister from the room first to make sure there wasn’t anything inappropriate for little eyes. When I was satisfied, I called him back and we talked about the pictures.

Interesting thing about searches. Other phrases are recommended or what is popular is put at the top of the page. My heart sank when I looked up because one click could have taken me to some very dangerous waters. Thankfully, my boy can’t read yet. But, one day he will and one day the tempter will nudge his curiosity.

But that won’t happen on my watch. This mamma will grab the Sword in one hand and the Shield in the other all the while begging God to guard her son’t heart. He’s only mine for a season and has no clue to the danger – to the one seeking to destroy his soul. He has no discernment at his age, so it is up to me to protect him the best I can. Now I am off to research internet filters and in my heart I’m hitting my knees, praying that the One who made the stars and can quicken men to life, will protect my little men.

Do you have any recommendations? What internet filters have you found to be most effective?

I read the prompt. It’s the word ‘story’ and wonder what needs to be written. What story can I write. And then it comes to me. Their story has never been told. So, I think it’s time to write out Jedidiah’s  and Joselyn’s story.

My hands flutter to my abdomen for the hundredth time, fingers splayed trying to imagine the feeling of the little life in me moving. The pregnancy test was read just a few weeks ago and with excitement I told my husband and sent pictures of the test to family. My first appointment with the midwife was scheduled for 14 weeks to ensure a good heartbeat.

All the usual pregnancy stuff was happening – the fatigue, the nausea, the umpteen trips to the bathroom. And then the day of my appointment came and with it waves of excitement because today was the day  I was going to hear my baby’s heartbeat!

The appointment came and went ending with apprehension. The midwife wasn’t able to find a heartbeat. She assured me though that there was nothing to be too concerned about and rescheduled me for a week later at 15 weeks. Surely we’d hear something then. But no, there was still just the deafening sound of my own heartbeat – no matching beat that kept time with my own.

She sent us to the hospital the next day and we had our first and last ultrasound. I could see the screen and it showed twins!  I had always wanted twins and was excited for a moment until I realized the truth. The heartbeat couldn’t be heard because they weren’t there. My little ones had stopped growing at approximately 12 weeks.

We left stunned. Life had changed when I saw the two pink lines on the stick and now life was changing again. We wandered, seemingly lost,  the rest of the day finally returning home that evening.

For the next six weeks, I waited for my body to give up the twins. I wanted it to happen naturally without medication or a procedure, but that wasn’t to be. My body wouldn’t give them up.

I vacillated between hope that God would quicken them and despair that they were gone and I was a walking tomb. My body had betrayed me and I hated it.

That was the darkest time of my life. I could see myself sitting on the ground with miniature stained glass windows swirling about my head. And then one by one, they started to shatter and fall, turning to ash at my feet. My stained glass dreams.

There were so many times that, as I drove the thought crossed my mind that if I just turned the steering wheel a little to right, the tree or barricade would take care of everything.

Finally we decided to take meds to speed up the process and in the late afternoon, 8 years ago, on January 26th, my babies were born.

They fit in the palms of my hands. Two little miracles that God had gifted to me for a time.

The two made me a Mother.

Though that time was extremely difficult, God comforted me with these thoughts. First, my babies would never feel pain. They would never have to deal with sin! They would never have to experience violence or hear horrible things. And the most wonderful thought I could think of, was that the first person they saw would be their Creator.

My babies would be 8 years old this month. I miss them and what might have been terribly. But I know that without their passing, I wouldn’t be enjoying the 6 year old playing out in the back yard. I can’t reconcile these two – the loss and the joy. But it is what it is, and it is with hope that I share with you the story of my Firstborn.

I’m sitting on the couch looking at the cover of a book I’ve read through twice now. And both times I’ve felt the impact of the words deep in my heart. The stories told inside are true, though somehow I wish they weren’t. Laura Parker tells of her husband Matt’s foray into covert investigations of human trafficking. Primarily that of children. Just writing this leaves me raw, the tears still spilling down my face after having read of the boys and girls whose lives are traded for money.

In her book, Laura recounts her thoughts during those months of investigations. She tells, from a wife’s perspective, the highs and lows that come with this type of work. But through it all is the theme of God’s strength carrying them through.

The rescue of children isn’t for the faint of heart, but for the tenderhearted.

She says,

“We couldn’t get past the idea that maybe there was a noble reason for a good man to frequent a brothel, after all.”

Reading this book has given me resolve to do something more than just sit and cry. In a sense, her story is a call to action. I can’t help but hear the familiar song “O Church Arise”

“An army bold, whose battle cry is love, reaching out to those in darkness”

We are the Army, called by our King to reach out to those who are in darkness. How can we not when Christ has made us free? It is our duty to love the captive soul just as the Father loves us.

So, what’s next? What are we going to do about it? What are we going to do about the boys and girls being sold and thrown away? First, we can pray – we can come before the Father and lay their burdens at His feet.

Secondly, we can volunteer – volunteer our time and money. You may ‘just’ be a stay-at-home mom, and executive, or a single person living on minimum wage, but we can do this! We can fight the good fight with the resources God has given us. Be it $3 or $300. Because as Matt and Laura said in their book, Jesus met the need of the masses with just 5 loaves and 2 fish.

In honor of Human Trafficking Awareness Month and to help spur you to action, I’m giving away a copy of Laura Parker’s book, “The Exodus Road“.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

For the past week or so I’ve seen the idea of throwing New Year’s resolutions out and instead focusing on a word or an attribute instead.  At first I thought this was kind of corny, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve warmed up to the idea. Resolutions are good but as in most instances rarely kept. I love lists, so the longer the resolution list, the better. The problem is, by the end of January I haven’t established that exercise routine, the cleaning schedule is still not happening, and the Bible/book study has petered out. Then ensues discouragement and a cycle of resolve and failure – not a pretty picture.

So as I was mulling this over, I came upon oneword365.com. It’s a real site dedicated to people finding their word, sharing it with others, and encouraging them in their resolve, whatever their word may be. This actually seems doable. Rather than having a list of things to change right off, which inevitably doesn’t happen, I can look at life through the lens of my word. Because sometimes I feel as if life is happening to me instead of me happening to it. Now there are times when life brings the unexpected, but 9 times out of 10, I know what’s coming but am not very intentional about it. So there it is, my word – Intentional. This is the lens that this next year will be seen through. The care of my husband, children, home, our little homeschool, my writing, computer time, and especially my walk with the Lord, will all bear the word Intentional. By God’s grace I will no longer be flying by the seat of my pants, but will be Intentional with my time, my life.

By God’s grace,

I’m no longer going to let life happen to me – I’m going to happen to it.

What’s your one word for the year? How are you planning on being Intentional?